I thought that I would publish an Ask Roz article that I wrote for Tamars House (www.tamarshouse.org) in 2006. Hope it blesses you or someone else you know.
ASK ROZ
Roz,
I seem to get into these relationships that at first seem just right, then turn out to be so wrong for me and full of drama. By the time I realize that the relationship is not good, I am attached to the person and feel guilty for even thinking about getting out of it. This happens often with men, in romantic relationships, but also often with friends at work and even some family members. Even though I see the problem, it keeps happening. What is wrong with me? And how do I fix it?
Shavon
Shavon,
Your problem is one that many people have. It is a problem of low self esteem that leads to codependency. I’ll explain both and also provide a way to fix it. Consider seeking help from a counselor to help you process through your past relationships and serve as accountability for you as you choose to change your self talk, self perception and the way that you relate/communicate with others.
My response is based on a biblical passage that serves as a command to us from God, a command meaning something we must do in order to have a successful life. It says:
"He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27.
Loving ourselves is very necessary in relationships with others. If we do not love ourselves, our love for others is not real. Our ability to love ourselves is tied to our self concept. Our self-concept (which controls our self-esteem) is largely formed by what others think of us. Because of our humanness and human need to belong, to be accepted, to have the approval of certain others, we tend to give them more liberty in the development of our self-concept than what God intended.
Initially, we look to have our parent’s approval. We want to know that we are accepted by them and acceptable to them. We want to have the sense of belonging. As we get older and begin to interact with siblings, then extended family, neighbors, friends, then boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, etc., we tend to look to them for our sense of okay-ness. We sometimes act in ways that we’ve learned will please them or that we think will please them.
Initially, we look to have our parent’s approval. We want to know that we are accepted by them and acceptable to them. We want to have the sense of belonging. As we get older and begin to interact with siblings, then extended family, neighbors, friends, then boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, etc., we tend to look to them for our sense of okay-ness. We sometimes act in ways that we’ve learned will please them or that we think will please them.
We sometimes do certain things just to win their approval because we want to belong, to be accepted and acceptable, and to have their approval. Normal growth brings people to a place of maturity and a positive sense of satisfaction with self to a degree that others influence is minimal.
However, When a person comes from an abusive background, the need for approval, feeling accepted, and the sense of okay-ness is more intense. But even more difficult, is the ability to discern healthy relating versus unhealthy relating. It becomes blurred.
A person who has been abused carries a longing that is difficult to fill because it is encased with layers of shame and confusion. “Who am I?” is cluttered in by the distortion that abuse brings. Often, an abused person looks for the answer in others and/or in others response to them. This is a tricky matter.
If the person being looked to for approval is healthy, they can be a blessing to helping the abused person grow in a healthy manner, as they learn to see and appreciate themselves for who they are. However, and unfortunately, many people who have been abused tend to connect with unhealthy people who only perpetuate the cycle of abuse, though very subtlety.
The person then enters into a lifestyle of approval seeking which is met on a temporary basis. Then the cycle begins again, repeating itself with the same and/or different faces. Let’s look at codependency? Codependency has a lot to do with approval seeking/ the need to be accepted, belong, and having the sense of okay-ness based upon what others think. Codependency is an unhealthy way of relating to another person. It is an action to reaction, act/react cycle.
One needing approval may do something that they think will please the other. The other reacts in an unhealthy manner. The approval seeker feeds into the other persons unhealthy ways then reacts in unhealthy ways. Even though it does not feel good or brings about the kind of approval that is being sought, the attention that is given is the fuel to keep the codependency going.
The problem is that it causes resentment, bitterness, rejection, guilt, shame, anger, and so forth, to become a part of the relationship (s) as well.
How do we pay attention to what others think
only receiving what is healthy and good for us?
These three steps, Shavon, will help you to begin to “fix it." Taken from: Codependency: Breaking Free From the Hurt and Manipulation of Dysfunctional Relationships by Pat Springle ISBN 0-945276-12-51)
1) Begin to identify unhealthy behaviors. (and codependent relationships)
2) Take a moment to detach from it to think about the situation and determine how you can respond in a healthy way instead of the way you usually do.
3) Then decide to put that behavior or response into action; apply it. ( Includes: making independent choices, setting limits, surrendering the need to control others or the need to have others approval, and choosing to enjoy life)
When making the change to allow for a healthy self-concept and accepting only healthy views of what others think of you, you may experience emotions of fear, grief, and sometimes anger as others may respond to you negatively. It is important that you plan your responses in advance, because you know the kind of responses you generally get from the people or person you seek to please and you know how you usually react.
On 3x5 cards, list changes that you intend to make when in your next encounter with the person or people who you are in codependent (or unhealthy) relationship with. Write down the healthy changes in what you will say or how you will respond. These are changes that will make the relationship better or at least make you better. You may need to carry the cards with you at first, to remind you of your decision to change your self. Start the card by stating “With God’s help I will____________.”
Your self-concept/self-esteem, when rooted in God and in what He thinks of you, changes you from the inside out and changes your relationships from unhealthy to healthy. Use this month to pay attention to your relationships. Check yourself out to see if you are spending most of them on approval seeking. Start making healthy changes. Pray for God’s guidance.
Remember, this is a good time to seek out a counselor for guidance and support or talk with your mentor or some one more mature than you are whom you can trust to help you in deciding what you should change and/or how. As you do these things your self concept/self-esteem will begin to improve, and so will your relationships.
© 2006 Rosalind M. Stanley
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