Christians Especially: What Has Happened to “For Better or For Worst, til Death do Us Part?” (Part 1)

Recently, a dear friend and I were having a conversation about marriage, particularly of those in the church. We expressed sadness and disappointment regarding a number of marriages of other Christian friends or family who have divorced or are in the process of divorce. As we talked, we both acknowledged that marriage isn’t always easy and agreed that marriages go through seasons.

Seasons meaning that there are times when married life is like fall, winter, spring, and summer. Depending on what you are accustomed to, one or two of those seasons are not fun to you and you cannot wait until they pass. The fact of the matter is that the season does pass. The older you get, the better you become at handling the season you don’t like that much.

My friend and I talked about how important it is for couples to learn how to walk through the rough seasons of marriage (which are usually growth opportunities). We both exclaimed how appreciative we are of being in relationship with the Lord. His Presence in our lives keeps our marriages stimulating, alive, loving and godly.

My friend, Joyce Linyear, has been the only wife to her husband Dwight, for over 30 years! These are two faithful people. Their commitment to God and His way of living and being and doing, to the ministry, to their marriage, and their love for each other and family and friends, is a model for many!

My spiritual dad, Dr. Zin White, and his wife, Irma, have been married almost 50 years! To this day, they are partners in business and in ministry and companions who continue to learn a little more about one another as each year passes. They have a testimony about what it means to truly stick with each other, no matter what the circumstance.

These couples have deep and continually growing relationships with Almighty God that directs the course of their marriages including their love life with each other.

Faith in God, the love of God, and being led by the Holy Spirit are the main spiritual ingredients in a Christian marriage. Love for each other, of course, is absolutely essential.

However, love, God’s love, is a choice. It takes each person to choose daily to walk in the Spirit (versus the flesh-the part of our humanity not interested in God's ways), to speak and act with love and to but your hope and trust in God (this is faith) when the relationship is challenged.

It is very important to show affection to one another, with kindness, no matter what. And at all costs, avoid the tricks of the enemy set up to get you to turn your affections toward someone else! His aim is to divide and conquer… to kill, steal and destroy!

But God has given us everything we need to live this life and to live it in a godly way! Your marriage can last like these two marriages, if you choose to make it work. Seek godly counsel to help you work through troubling issues.

God is for your marriage… to Him, it is like Christ and His church!

©2008 Rosalind Stanley
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Christians Especially: What Has Happened to “For Better or For Worst, til Death do Us Part?” (Part 2)

The last thing that Joyce and I talked about was the following verse:

“But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come:
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal,
despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather
than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power...”
2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NKJV)

Unfortunately, there are those Christians who are unwilling to yield to God concerning their marriages so are falling prey to the spirit of the time that we are in. A number of married individuals are more in love with themselves than with God or their spouses. Some are far from being loving or holy in their attitudes and their way of life. And, unforgiveness, this is probably a key reason for the almost 50% of divorces experienced by Christians. (Forgiveness & repentance are not options of the Christian faith, these are commands of Jesus, our Lord and Savior!)

Self control is the area where many marriages fail, due to one or both engaging in adultery, i.e., cheating on their spouses. Adultery is having an emotional, romantic, or sexual relationship with another person who is not your spouse. Ususally, the relationship is carried on without the spouses knowledge (or a deception of the true relationship is known by the spouse). Adultery begins in the mind. It interrupts the sincerity and fullness of the marriage.

Eventually, the adulterer has a yoke that almost renders them helpless (no self control). As my mother says…”but God!” But God can intervene and even turn this around. If the couple decide to maintain the marriage, the adulterer has to be willing to completely sever all forms of contact and communication with the other person. Honesty, accountability, humility, a decision to turn toward your spouse, a willingness to work on building trust and waiting for the offended spouse to trust again, is the cost and the process.

Pleasure seeking, that is, “I’m just not happy,” are the words that convince many (who are consumed with "it's all about me" thinking) that ending the marriage is okay, rather than working hard to restore it. And, the very act of divorce, in most cases, denies God’s power, His ability to turn things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

With that said, I still have high hopes for marriages, especially Christians, because Christ is in you, the Hope of Glory! The key is to remember:

you can make it through whatever difficulties your marriage

may be facing, because NOTHING is too hard for God!

And WITH GOD, (not relying on yourself alone) all things are possible!

But, it is up to you to:
1) Call upon God (as MC Hammer says, “you’ve got to pray just to make it today!":)
2) Be willing to patiently wait for the turn around,
3) Walk by faith and not by sight (continuing to show love & respect for your spouse when the feelings are not as great as you’d like them to be), and
4) Study the Bible to understand and apply it; be doers of the Word, not just hearers only.

Marriage is a test of faith in God, self and our spouse. The rewards, however, are greater love, joy and peace, and a lasting lover and friendship, when you choose to answer every questioning moment or season with faith in God following His every word!

©2008 Rosalind Stanley
BECAUSE OF GRACE
Consulting & Training Services

RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES...LET'S FIX THEM

I thought that I would publish an Ask Roz article that I wrote for Tamars House (www.tamarshouse.org) in 2006. Hope it blesses you or someone else you know.

ASK ROZ

Roz,

I seem to get into these relationships that at first seem just right, then turn out to be so wrong for me and full of drama. By the time I realize that the relationship is not good, I am attached to the person and feel guilty for even thinking about getting out of it. This happens often with men, in romantic relationships, but also often with friends at work and even some family members. Even though I see the problem, it keeps happening. What is wrong with me? And how do I fix it?

Shavon

Shavon,

Your problem is one that many people have. It is a problem of low self esteem that leads to codependency. I’ll explain both and also provide a way to fix it. Consider seeking help from a counselor to help you process through your past relationships and serve as accountability for you as you choose to change your self talk, self perception and the way that you relate/communicate with others.

My response is based on a biblical passage that serves as a command to us from God, a command meaning something we must do in order to have a successful life. It says:

"He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27.

Loving ourselves is very necessary in relationships with others. If we do not love ourselves, our love for others is not real. Our ability to love ourselves is tied to our self concept. Our self-concept (which controls our self-esteem) is largely formed by what others think of us. Because of our humanness and human need to belong, to be accepted, to have the approval of certain others, we tend to give them more liberty in the development of our self-concept than what God intended.

Initially, we look to have our parent’s approval. We want to know that we are accepted by them and acceptable to them. We want to have the sense of belonging. As we get older and begin to interact with siblings, then extended family, neighbors, friends, then boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, etc., we tend to look to them for our sense of okay-ness. We sometimes act in ways that we’ve learned will please them or that we think will please them.

We sometimes do certain things just to win their approval because we want to belong, to be accepted and acceptable, and to have their approval. Normal growth brings people to a place of maturity and a positive sense of satisfaction with self to a degree that others influence is minimal.

However, When a person comes from an abusive background, the need for approval, feeling accepted, and the sense of okay-ness is more intense. But even more difficult, is the ability to discern healthy relating versus unhealthy relating. It becomes blurred.

A person who has been abused carries a longing that is difficult to fill because it is encased with layers of shame and confusion. “Who am I?” is cluttered in by the distortion that abuse brings. Often, an abused person looks for the answer in others and/or in others response to them. This is a tricky matter.

If the person being looked to for approval is healthy, they can be a blessing to helping the abused person grow in a healthy manner, as they learn to see and appreciate themselves for who they are. However, and unfortunately, many people who have been abused tend to connect with unhealthy people who only perpetuate the cycle of abuse, though very subtlety.

The person then enters into a lifestyle of approval seeking which is met on a temporary basis. Then the cycle begins again, repeating itself with the same and/or different faces. Let’s look at codependency? Codependency has a lot to do with approval seeking/ the need to be accepted, belong, and having the sense of okay-ness based upon what others think. Codependency is an unhealthy way of relating to another person. It is an action to reaction, act/react cycle.

One needing approval may do something that they think will please the other. The other reacts in an unhealthy manner. The approval seeker feeds into the other persons unhealthy ways then reacts in unhealthy ways. Even though it does not feel good or brings about the kind of approval that is being sought, the attention that is given is the fuel to keep the codependency going.

The problem is that it causes resentment, bitterness, rejection, guilt, shame, anger, and so forth, to become a part of the relationship (s) as well.

How do we pay attention to what others think

only receiving what is healthy and good for us?

These three steps, Shavon, will help you to begin to “fix it." Taken from: Codependency: Breaking Free From the Hurt and Manipulation of Dysfunctional Relationships by Pat Springle ISBN 0-945276-12-51)

1) Begin to identify unhealthy behaviors. (and codependent relationships)

2) Take a moment to detach from it to think about the situation and determine how you can respond in a healthy way instead of the way you usually do.

3) Then decide to put that behavior or response into action; apply it. ( Includes: making independent choices, setting limits, surrendering the need to control others or the need to have others approval, and choosing to enjoy life)

When making the change to allow for a healthy self-concept and accepting only healthy views of what others think of you, you may experience emotions of fear, grief, and sometimes anger as others may respond to you negatively. It is important that you plan your responses in advance, because you know the kind of responses you generally get from the people or person you seek to please and you know how you usually react.

On 3x5 cards, list changes that you intend to make when in your next encounter with the person or people who you are in codependent (or unhealthy) relationship with. Write down the healthy changes in what you will say or how you will respond. These are changes that will make the relationship better or at least make you better. You may need to carry the cards with you at first, to remind you of your decision to change your self. Start the card by stating “With God’s help I will____________.”

Your self-concept/self-esteem, when rooted in God and in what He thinks of you, changes you from the inside out and changes your relationships from unhealthy to healthy. Use this month to pay attention to your relationships. Check yourself out to see if you are spending most of them on approval seeking. Start making healthy changes. Pray for God’s guidance.

Remember, this is a good time to seek out a counselor for guidance and support or talk with your mentor or some one more mature than you are whom you can trust to help you in deciding what you should change and/or how. As you do these things your self concept/self-esteem will begin to improve, and so will your relationships.

© 2006 Rosalind M. Stanley

GOD’S IS REAL

God wants us to know Him, not just about Him, and know that He is real. He wants us to receive His promises and wants us to be healed. Sometimes life challenges us and hurts us in ways that cause us to wonder if God is really real. Is He here for me? Will He help me or am I in this by myself? The truth is that God is always with us. He is always with you! He said that He will never leave you and will not forsake you. And, that He will never leave you helpless. Regardless as to how things look or how you feel, God is real!

Wherever you may find yourself, recognize that you are not alone. You may be depressed and sad. You may be distraught over a recent loss or betrayal. The hurt you feel is so painful that you don’t know what to do. Constant thoughts of the problem you are experiencing or the situation that occurred has consumed you. You may be in a transition, in that uncomfortable place of uncertainty. Or you may think that life is just not on your side.

God is real and He is there for you!

He loves you and desires the best for you. This walk through life on earth is indeed that, a walk. We walk from one challenge to another or from one pleasantry to another. Sometimes we live right in the middle of life’s challenges and pleasantries. Often, we really believe that we are to tell God what to do and He is supposed to do it, rather than the other way around. So end up being disappointed when what we want or hoped for is not found.

What is important for you to do is make a choice to choose God even though you can’t naturally see Him and in those times that you cannot feel Him. Recognize that God’s Word is true and that when you can’t feel Him His Word can bring you through.

As you read it day by day, God will surely make a way. He will reveal Himself and heal you, too. Only a few things that you must do: Read the Word, trust and do what it says, pray to God everyday. Stay far from negativity, whether it be people, thoughts, behaviors or places.

The biggest thing that will get you through is to have faith in God; trust Him to do what He said He’ll do.

He’ll order your steps and direct your path. He’ll bid His angels to watch over you. He’ll intervene in ways we can’t beforehand conceive. What the devil intended for evil, He will work for your good. His Holy Spirit will guide and teach you, showing you the way to go. He will warn and alert you to keep you from harm. While in your weakness, in Him, you’ll be strong.

This may not happen overnight, but little by little things will be right.

Most of what will happen for you is deep in the inside, His peace and joy will come to you. Trust in God, He’ll see you through. Plant this Truth in your heart and mind, God is real and He is real for you!

© 2008 Rosalind M. Stanley

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